Warning To Anyone Shopping For Rolls Royces On Craigslist: This Is A Lincoln

I know I’m speaking with a huge audience of people looking for Rolls-Royces on the same site you go to find a “rust free” Geo Metro with a rebuilt title, but be wary about this red and gold knockoff, for it is not the opulent British luxury sedan you seek. It is an imposter.

“But it’s got a shiny grille that appears to allow no airflow!” you plead with me in your worst nightmare. I remind you that it’s not real.

“But what about those swoopy body lines on the side?” you ask. Fake. Totally fake.

“But the taillights!” you cry, sweat beeding on your forehead. “Those are totally Rolls Royce Phantom lights, right?!” No, they are not. They are just lights.

Your heart beats fast, and your breathing speeds up as you gasp, defeated, in a final attempt to prove that the title and bill of sale in your back left pocket isn’t the worst mistake of your life: “But those wheels. They’re, they’re, so shiny!”

You collapse on the floor, the title falls out of your pocket, and the wind blows it to within inches of your face, which now lies flat on the pavement. “1996 Lincoln Towncar,” it reads. 123,000 miles on the clock.

“Hey, that’s not so bad! The Panther platform is good! That’s low mileage for a modular V8,” you somehow recognize even in your sleep, getting up from the ground and jumping into the very, very odd, non-Rolls-Royce-ish interior of your new Lincoln.

You then drive your Towncar, with its hideous Rolls Royce body kit, off into the sunset, wondering if this was a mistake, or if this is the beginning of a love affair with one of Ford’s sturdiest, most beloved sedan platforms.

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